#283
The bloody side of chicken humor
Is the "Daily Cluckle" feature on the popular "Eggcellent Comedy" website a secret communication method between web-savvy Chupacabras? The only explanation for the formulaic and repetitive jokes is that each is actually an encrypted message revealing which farm has the plumpest chickens.

The Chupacabra diet
These terrifying bloodsucking beasts prefer to feast on chickens rather than attacking people directly. Sometimes harm to your livestock is much more hurtful than having your own blood sucked out. They also like goats. A Yahoo! search is in progress trying to locate an equivalent goat humor website.
ALSO SEE: Chupa Chups
#429
Are these colors part of a code?
Really, Really Bad. Uh-oh!
Getting To Be A Problem
Acceptable Level of Terrorism
Terror Is Dipping Its Toe In
Relax, We're Fine
Why only five threat levels? Seems like an arbitrary number. Are there more threat levels THEY aren't telling us about? Investigate these "Shadow Levels."

Is Bigfoot a terrorist?
Where was this shot taken? A close look at the background reveals one possibility:
a terrorist training camp.
#1984
The Santa Corporation
Santa Claus. A shadowy figure, almost never seen in person, yet built up to a mythical status in order to give us something to mindlessly unify under. Sound familiar? Yeah, that's right-- it's chillingly like that Apple Computers Super Bowl commercial.

The true hand of oppression
Santa does not act directly, but through his Helpers. Ivy, Santa's Helper in Charge of Administration, is one of them. She is widely known as the face of a faceless bureaucracy, but does her job extend beyond that, to covering up the presence of aliens in the North Pole?
#124
Aliens, the extraterrestrial threat
There can be no doubt that aliens abduct people on the regular. They can't seem to resist. According to the latest polls 1 in 5 people have been abducted, and never returned.

What is space hiding?
The Facts:
-Aliens come from space
-Space is black
-Black is slimming
So, does space have low self-esteem, or is it keeping a more sinister secret?
#25
The Last Message
Just before my friend's abduction he left me a last desperate message, well hidden from the prying eyes of other Dungeon Visitors. The message is forever burnt into my memory, but I will not reproduce it here, lest these files ever fall into the wrong hands.

Government Cover-up?
Ivy, Santa's Helper In Charge of Administration, was responsible for the destruction of the message. On the surface she seemed to have no obvious outward motive for this senseless action, but past her veil of petty bureaucracy must lie a dark and horrifying Truth.
#1
Encounter At Hilltop
I'm scrapping all the old Files and starting over from #1. This is a real alien, we've finally found one.

The truth is right here.

#2006
Extraordinary Rock
This innocuous-looking rock was located propping up a sign near Verdant Forest, at the crossroads. Though not immediately apparent, our team of agents identified the rock as a fossilized alien head, propping up the theory that aliens have been here a long, long time, Mr. Mulder.

...but the chicken doesn't sit down, and so Voltaire says, "Tous les genres sont bons, hors le genre ennuyeux!"
Hahahaha! You're one of the few who seems to know the location of my funnybone, my whole arm is tingling!
It's a spin on a classic Daily Cluckle.
Anyway, I KNOW you didn't come here just to tell me a joke, no matter how highbrow. What's on your mind, Znarfblax?
Well, as much as I've enjoyed my stay here on Earth...
Which is to say, ENORMOUSLY
I think it's time for me to get back to the dear, verdant forests of my home planet, ZnarfCon 7.
Your Earth has a certain beauty to it, and the company is first rate, but it's all too cold and empty for my tastes.
I understand. We'll be sorry to see you go.
I'm leaving tonight. As a representative of the local government, is there anything you know of which might impede my aircraft?
Hmm. Clear skies, low terrorist threat level. No, you should take off without any issues.
PUTER LAB
Great! That's all I wanted to know. I'll go prepare my ship, then.
Later, Ivy.
Oh! tisTree! You're looking very regal today.
Thanks, I'm the King of Independence Day
Hey, you're coming to my 4th of July BBQ, right? Wouldn't be the same without you.
I'll be there with a bag of chips!
What about you, Ivy? Will you deign to grace my humble barbèquè with your presence?
My RSVP is in the mail.
You know who IS coming? Your boyfriend. Got his positive RSVP this morning.
Nice try,
Your Majesty.
He signed his
name in glitter.
Alright, fine.
Disregard my RSVP,
I'll be at your...
Bee Bee Queue.
ELVEN COMPUTER LAB
Is that it, or am I forced to tolerate you further?
Well, there's just the matter of the fireworks, but that's a no-brainer, right?
Fireworks?
Are you serious?
Well, you know.
4th of July,
barbecues,
fireworks,
the ol' hot dog.
They kind of all go together, in tradition.
Fireworks are illegal in the North Pole. They're a fire and injury hazard, end of discussion.
Fire hazard? What, are you worried it'll melt the snow? We've got plenty to spare.
Admit it, you're just making my life difficult because I invited your boyfriend.
Maybe, maybe not. Doesn't matter, there will be no fireworks because I say so.
Well, what did she say? Should I go set up the fireworks?
Never trust the government, Snowman.

His Royal Highness
The King of
Independence Day

~I N V I T E S      Y O U~
to the greatest
4th of July Barbecue
the North Pole has never seen!
LOCATION
The Beach!!!

FEATURING
A Cover Charge!
Special Guest: Ivy's Boyfriend
Fireworks??? (TBD)

WELL, WHAT DO YOU SAY?
Yes, of course I'll go. Thank you, tisTree.
No, I don't consider myself part of the community

I'M BRINGING...

Hi, thank you for checking up on me! Don't worry, I'm fine out here. Just a bit lonely...
What do you think, Scully?
Dude, I told you, I don't want to be Scully.
Why? You got a problem with Scully?
No, Dana Scully's my favorite. Dana Scully's hot!
It's just, when you say you want to be Mulder and want me to be Scully what you're really saying is you want to be the believer and want me to be the skeptic.
And that doesn't make any sense! We're both part of the X-Philes Webring, we both WANT to believe. If anything we're BOTH Mulder.
Well... we can't both be Mulder.
Dude, whatever.
Think there might be
aliens at that party down there?
Too many people. Like bears, aliens get scared off by large crowds and loud noises. If they're in the North Pole they're in the least populated part.
darker. edgier.
Fine,
let's go.
All my life I've been making the safe choices, toeing the line. Well, not anymore. This is my moment to show the world what I can do... when I step out of bounds.
Hey everyone.
I brought CHIPS.
Heeeeeeeey, how's the wife?
Not married!
Sorry to hear that, hope you two can work it out.
I brought some plates.
I was hoping you'd say that, because as it is the food is just pouring through our fingers like so much sand.
Oh good, you brought... some sort of green, gooey clock? Is that even edible?
I honestly don't know what it is, or why I brought it.
Well, it seems like the hot item. Add it to the table.
Ey, tisTree! Who's wotching the grille?
I know I said I'd grill these dogs, but I didn't realize there'd be fire involved.
Why naught get Snowman to burn those bangers?
I guess you could say snowman's WORK today involves a different sort of FIRE
|/_WINK~
No tattling, okay?
Mum's the word.
Yeah sure,
you redcoat snitch.
Hey Randolph! Hey tisTree! Great party.
I've always said plain is the best flavor of chip.
Reminds me! I caught you in Annie last month, Randolph.
You were the best Annie I'd ever seen.
Oh my gosh.
E-MAIL: randolpho@yahoo.com PASS: theNthdoctor
NORTH POLE
COMPUTER LAB
CAVER CAVERNS
THE BEACH!!!
HILLTOP HILLS
NORTH POLE
COMPUTER LAB
CAVER CAVERNS
THE BEACH!!!
HILLTOP HILLS
The Caver Caverns seem empty enough for aliens.
I'm not getting my suit dirty.
Would Mulder worry about getting his suit dirty?
In S1EP14 the FBI gave him a lifetime supply of suits, so probably not.
Anyway, I don't CARE about being Scully OR Mulder.
Wait!
What's this?
THE BEACH!!!
HILLTOP HILLS
NORTH POLE
COMPUTER LAB
CAVER CAVERNS
THE BEACH!!!
HILLTOP HILLS
That's a rock, my friend.
No, look CLOSER. Is... is that a face? An alien... face?
...No, it looks like an ordinary rock.
There's an identical one right next to it.
It may APPEAR so, Scully, but some of the most extraordinary things don't look the part.
Uh-huh.
I DO see it now. I think this might be a whole fossilized alien head, in fact.
Oh, and I heard there was an alien sighting up in Hilltop Hills last night. Let's check it out.
It's only about an hour's hike from here.
NORTH POLE
COMPUTER LAB
CAVER CAVERNS
THE BEACH!!!
HILLTOP HILLS
You'll want to take the fossilized alien head along, to lure them right to us.
...of course.
Ivy! So glad you could make it! Let's do kisses in the European style. Mwa. Mwa.
If you get sap in my keyboard...
And Holly! So nice to finally
meet you! How ARE you?
Well--
Sorry, no, question rejected.
Oh. Then, Holly, what's your favorite--
No, moving on.
I didn't know Holly was a boy's name, what's it--
Holly is busy now, he's going to go get me some drinks. Under close supervision.
Greetings Earthlings, I Come In Peace.
Haha!
Just kidding!
I've got something to say, though.
ting
ting
Hey, listen up everybody!
Lovely people of Earth, my stay on your fair planet has just about come to an end.
There is a ZnarfConian proverb that says,
"As my znarftuke loves winter so does my flivenbladder long for spring."
So it is with me, you understand.
But no matter how many lightyears away I travel, I will never forget the faces I see in this crowd. The faces of the people who cared for me like a member of their own livelitter.
I've got to make my final preparations now, I hope you always think fondly on your friend Znarfblax. Farewell.
What a prince of an alien.
I'll never forget him.
P.S. can anybody dogsit my dog next Wednesday?
I loved him.
Well... we... made it... up...
now... we... wait it... out.
Wow, I didn't think you'd actually carry the ro- the alien head all the way up here.
Well... Scully... when your mind is open... to extreme possibilities... sometimes... you have to undertake... extreme cardiovascular exercise.
Can I ask you a question? Not as Scully and Mulder, but just as myself and yourself?
Okay... shoot.
What made you message me about restarting the X-Philes Webring?
I mean...
At the time I thought it was because they had just put up all the X-Files episodes on Yahoo Videoo.
Dude?
Sorry, I was catching my breath.
One day in High School my best friend didn't show up for homeroom.
So, I figured he was sick. He was absent again the next day and nobody could get ahold of him. I figured he was REALLY sick, or maybe moved without telling anybody. Then I got called into the office. Saw his mother on the way in, with a thin, worried smile and puffy eyes. The principle asked me if I had any idea where he was . . .
He still hasn't been found, not even as a . . .
dead body.
I think-
No, I KNOW he was abducted by aliens.
Nice backstory. Makes for a dramatic monologue. Maybe a little derivative of Mulder's, but that's probably what you were going for?
That's not cool, I'm serious! It's just a coincidence that Mulder's sister was ALSO abducted.
Sorry, sorry. That sucks, but High School was a while ago. Why are you taking up the cause again now?
A couple of years ago I found a message that he wrote not long before his abduction.
Can I see it?
It was recently destroyed by the government, along with all other records of his activity around that time. Suffice to say the message points to aliens as the only possibility.
DJ LayZee Sue @ 25.1 FM
If that's all true--and don't get me wrong, I WANT to believe--then you don't need to be Mulder to find him. And I certainly don't need to be Scully.
Let's just... wait here for the aliens.
E-Mail: xphiles@yahoo.com
Pass: trustno0ne
Ey Ivy, first chance ah 'ad to talk with you.
Did tisTree send you over here? Stay behind me, Holly.
As if ah'd ever do anything for that arsehead!
Yew should know tisTree is planning ah Fawkes' Candle display tonight.
And if you were to describe a Fawkes' Candle display it would be a...?
Sometimes I forget 'spressions are different 'cross the pond, here in the Northern Pole.
\ -- /
I've seen your birth certificate, "Randolph." I know you're from Iowa, so say what you mean in plain old North Poleian English.
Uh, well, tisTree has Snowman setting up a fireworks display. Pretty sure... that's illegal.
You won't tell anybody about Iowa w-will you?
You did well telling me this, Joshua.
I'm sure you love your best friend very much, Uniseal, but I just don't have time to listen to an entire epic poem about it right now.
☢♥☹☦♂
I'm sure it IS very moving.
TISTEETH!!!
Hey Ivy!
Thanks for getting me out of that jam.
Fireworks?! I thought I told you NO!  I thought I told you very clearly.
What? Oh no!  I think I forgot to tell Snowman! I am SO sorry, Ivy. He's on the other side of the bay, maybe if I run I can--
,--------------- ,--------- ,-------------- ,------------
Dèbile!
Let's use this time to talk, Holly. Tree to elf.
Okay!
You and Ivy are such a cute couple, HOW do you DO it?
Well, we try to color-coordinate as much as we can.


E-mail:
Pass:


SENDERSUBJECTDATE
SecretSenderTop Secret (fluoride in egg nog)
tisTree25congrats!!you're INVITED!
TheHollye-kiss for e-you
SecretSenderTop Secret (alien visit)
SENDERSUBJECTDATE
ExEgyptPrincedonate and regain my kingdom forever
TaiwanSpyVirusEasy Fixes For Body P A R T S
tisTree25do you melt from fire?
ProxyPox9683FREE ELEPHANT(S)
SENDERSUBJECTDATE
TheIvyPoem (My Love; In Three Dimensions)
TheIvyBored, kiss me from afar
TheIvyIs the custom filter working?
TheIvyPoem (Lands We've,-- Lost)
SENDERSUBJECTDATE
DarlaTwineReviews are in! AAAAA!!
tisTree25let me borrow your king lear crown
BankOfEnglandThanks for opening a NEW account!
ProudIowaMomDad's latest results
SENDERSUBJECTDATE
Snow2016how do i make fire
Snow2016not sure if fire melts me ill find out
TheIvyFor the last time, stop e-mailing me
Randolpholook at this dumb pic XD
SENDERSUBJECTDATE
tisTree25congrats!!you're INVITED!
tisTree25latest draft OF MY AUTOBIOGRAPHY!!
tisTree25eligible for GOV GENIUS GRANT!?
tisTree25podcast studio REMODEL!?
SENDERSUBJECTDATE
TheIvyThanks for the offer, but I'll pass.
FriendlyExYeah, do it!
donotreply"Romantic Assortment" shipped
AnEateryYes, we take reservations. Relax
SENDERSUBJECTDATE
SENDERSUBJECTDATE
ProudIowaMomDad's latest results
NeutralIowaSisnot that i care, but come visit
TheIvyPetition to return I'owa to the Elves
ProudIowaMomSome bad news :(
SENDERSUBJECTDATE
Randolpholook at this dumb pic XD
tisTree25REMINDER! from myself!!!
SantaCorpStop telling people you work for us
TheIvyPetition to return I'owa to the Elves
SENDERSUBJECTDATE
Yahoo!Cities'x-philes-files.com' renewed!
Moon-KunNo, I've got a REAL lead on a conspiracy
Moon-KunWe should start up the old club again
Yahoo!Alert'X-Files' now up on YahooVideoo!
SENDERSUBJECTDATE
TheIvyPetition to return I'owa to the Elves
Yahoo!Cities'x-philes-files.com' set to expire!
BobNewharpTrade Your Credit Card # for GOLD
DailyCluckleTake my wife's eggs, please!
Wow!
Question two: If you could describe Ivy's email password in one word, what would it be?
Feel free to include letters AND numbers in your answer.
Hmm... probably, g3rtrud3st31n
, / / / / | | | \ \ \ flip` `
Uh-huh, and what would you say are your partner's greatest weaknesses?
Number one would definitely be tickling behind elbow.
tickling... behind... elbow
Left or right?
Hey everybody, the fireworks are starting!
Look! What are those mysterious lights up there in the sky?
Those are fireworks, dude.
You have a scientific explanation for everything, don't you Scully?
Well, then tell me this:
If those are fireworks...
what's the occasion?
I'm not sure . . .
Oh wait!  I think today is American Independance Day!
You'd sooner think somebody is celebrating American Independance Day at the NORTH POLE than admit that there might be something out there we don't understand?
It's weird, but it's not an X-Philes File.
Wait a second, what about THAT light, there!
Listen, I can't take this anymore! You want to try to paint me as a skeptic by coming up with the stupidest theories you can think of? Fine! But you're no Mulder, when Mulder had ridiculous theories he was usually RIGHT!
Watch out, Scully!
The End
Light 'em!